For the first time, I am not alone!
I know I’m in God’s hands and He has control of my life.

Hello my name is Victoria.

I was born in Rosemead, CA and grew up in a Christian home.  I had an abusive father who started torturing me at the age of 3, then molested and raped me.  My mother divorced him and remarried, but the abuse continued through home visitations.  I had an older sister and brother who were surviving the best they knew how.   As a child, I was abandoned and all alone.  No one came to my rescue.

My mother was hit by a drunk driver and was in and out of the hospital for the next 10 years.   My stepfather had to work three to four jobs to make ends meet.   I was a young child making my own breakfast and lunch, getting to school on my own.    My Dad would give me money to go to the store to buy the household groceries.   I did adult things as a child.

At this young age, I knew there was no one to help me.  I was on my own.  When I was 11, I had my first boyfriend.  I thought to myself, he is so cute and I am so ugly.  He died in the LA River trying to save his brother’s life.  Somehow I felt responsible.  I blamed myself that if he wasn’t my boyfriend, this tragedy would have never happened.

In the same year, I was raped by my best friend’s older brother.  After he raped me, he threatened to kill me if I told. Then he put me in a sleeping bag upside down with my head at the foot end.  I couldn’t breath nor reach the zipper.  I started screaming and thrashing about.  It took my best friend’s parents 15 minutes to get me out because I was kicking and screaming.  I was so frightened that I couldn’t say anything.  And if I did tell, I just knew no one would come to my defense.  I began to believe I was worth-less and all these horrible things had happened to me because I deserved them.  I expected bad things to continue.  It was just part of my life.

I tried to fit in at school by being the crazy and funny one to hide the hurt.  Acceptance from my peers was what I was so desperately seeking.  I wanted to feel a part and to be loved and not alone.  I could be in a crowded room and feel so alone and abandoned.  So I started drinking in high school to numb the pain.

When I was 19, I got married. From the moment I said “I do” it was hell on earth. I was married for 16 years and endured every kind of abuse.  He was diagnosed with manic depressive, schizophrenia before we were married and it was uncovered during our divorce.  My two beautiful children are now.  During the marriage I never told anyone of the horrible abuse.  There was that same feeling that no one would ever come to my rescue or even care, it would be my failure, my fault, and I must have done something wrong.

After my divorce, I just exploded with all my emotions.  I was on self-destruct.  I started back drinking very heavily, partying all the time.  Still trying to maintain a household, I started a business.  It was like the Lord wanted to bless me, but I couldn’t accept success.  I was not worthy of it.  So I continued on my road of destruction through drinking.

My stepfather passed away in November 1999.  I uprooted myself in Southern California to move to Monterey County and run the family-owned business.  It was my choice.  I thought I had to do it and maybe this would give me self worth.  But I was a failure and it would be the destruction of the family business.  For 2½ years I tried so hard, but because I had no self worth, the business took a downward spiral.  I couldn’t tell my family because, again, I was a failure to myself and to my family.  I was worth nothing in myself.

During this time I had a boyfriend.  I attracted the troubled ones on their own road to destruction.  I felt I didn’t deserve anything better.  He really opened wide my road of destruction by introducing me into the drug world.  It was very ugly.  I stayed with him, thinking he would change and that he loved me.

A horrible head-on collision car accident, that should have killed me, sent me further into depression.  My physical pain was horrific.  Five months later, I had 70% of my left lung removed and was hospitalized for 30 days.  I was in the ICU for 10 and almost died three times.  I lost my home and business in Southern California while I was in the hospital.  I also lost the lease to my home in Monterrey and my so-called boyfriend.  My sister and brother-in-law came up to try to salvage what was left of the family business.  I felt I had failed in every portion of my life.  I was in extreme physical and emotional pain.  Going from couch to couch, motel to motel, using up all my finances.  Homeless for over a year and never crying out for help.  Being alone and abandonment was all I could feel.

Earlier that year, I was introduced to this wonderful lady, Chaplain Judy Boen, and was told of Captive Hearts, not knowing that this ministry would be the reason why I am alive today.

The devil wanted me dead.  He kept all my failures and worthlessness in my face. I wanted to die.  I wanted all the pain to go away and felt my family would be better off without me.  So I went to a hotel, took an overdose of cocaine and stabbed myself three times in the stomach with a steel BBQ skewer.  But God kept me alive because my sister had put my picture up on Captive Hearts’ prayer wall.  And through all those prayers I lived.

But I was still in depression and tried a second time with an overdose of sleeping pills.  The cleaning lady thought there was something wrong and came into my room three hours too early.  Again, I was saved because of the thousands of prayers through Captive Hearts.

Judy called me and supported me in any way she could.  I was jailed because, during my first suicide attempt, there was an accidental fire causing the destruction of the hotel room and in which I endured some burns.  When I was released, my sister and Chaplain Judy took me to a hospital that could treat my severe depressive disorder.  They continued to pray for me.

They also took me to Court.  Through all the love, support, and prayers, I had such a peace.  A peace I have never felt in my entire life.  For the first time, I was not alone! I knew I was in God’s hands and He was in control of my life. I stood before the judge with this confidence and peace, and God performed miracles that day.

I am now sober and on the road to recovery, learning that I am worth something in the Lord.  I remind myself that if it weren’t for the love and prayers from my sister and Chaplain Judy and the ministry of Captive Hearts I would not be alive today.

“Why don’t You love me?
  Why don’t You care about me?   Please help me!”

My life started in the War Memorial Hospital on March 28, 1958.  I was raised in a dysfunctional family, surrounding great physical and mental abuse not to mention emotional abuse as well. I had so much love to give but no love was given, only abuse. I felt ugliness, darkness, loneliness and sadness.  I had to grow up fast, learn a lot quickly and do it right the first time or else!

At eight years of age, I started drinking cocktails.  First, sips off my parents’ drinks and then making my own for myself so I could kill all the pain that I felt inside. I had this big hole in my heart. I felt so empty —no hope that things would change.  I thought that God hated me and I was being punished for just not doing well at anything, and Mom and Dad hated me being around.  I wanted out.

At age 11, I tried to commit suicide due to all of the abuse I had been going through.  I could not deal with it any longer.  I felt that God had turned His back on me and did not care about my life or well being. I asked Him “Why don’t You love me?  Why don’t You care about me?  Please help me!” I would pray to God for help but bad things still happened to me that I had no control over—molestation for many years, raped twice, abortion at age 14 due to rape—a life full of devastation, darkness and depression.

At age 16, I took the GED and passed with flying colors, took a full-time job in San Ardo pumping gas, driving a tow truck and working—mechanics, bouncing tires. Tough work, but made good money and I moved out on my own. I had my own car now, my own place to live at 16. I felt so proud of myself for all that I had accomplished on my own at that age. My life was much better at this point, but I was angry with God for all of the horrible things that I had been through. I did not understand how He could allow an innocent child to be harmed like this for so long.

I’m a strong woman—I’ve had to be. I take care of what needs to be done. I’m a responsible person and I love to help others in need. I’ve had great success in my life due to a lot of hard work. I have also had over six years of sobriety in the past, but I did not have God in my life. I was still angry with Him over my past. I relapsed.

I am married with four children. My husband and I will be sharing our 32^nd wedding anniversary soon. Our oldest is 31, then 24, 15 and 7. I am very blessed in so many ways. I took too much for granted over the years. My drinking for the last 13 years has caused nothing but wreckage and destruction. I’ve hurt the ones I loved the most by getting into trouble with the law due to my disease with alcohol. I have been to jail many times and prison as well, none of which did me any good, until one day I met Judy Boen.

Chaplain Judy made me see things in a new light. I began to start to pray again to have faith in God to save and forgive me for all my sins and guide me through. I was looking at four years in prison for a violation. I prayed over and over to God to give me a recovery program to receive help. I was accepted into another program but I only lasted 17 days due to illness. I was sent back to jail. For the first time, with my head held high, because I started to gain my faith back in God. I now know that God never left me at all. I was the one that turned my back on Him. I lost my faith, I gave up on Him. I let go. While in jail, I prayed for help and another program that would fit my needs. God answered my prayers. I was accepted into Captive Hearts and I am so blessed in every way. I have learned so much about myself and recovery, my God that I call Jesus Christ. I love Him so much and He loves me and always has, and always will. I’m so thankful for everything that Captive Hearts has to offer. I will take what I’ve learned and apply them in my life and future.

I have a wonderful sponsor and have completed all 12 Steps and have been in compliance with the program of Captive Hearts. I thank God every single day for life itself and all He has given so freely to me. I’m blessed to have such an open relationship and communication with Him.

Thank you, Captive Hearts, for giving me a second chance at life. I love you so for my life has changed for the better.

Sincerely, Michele

My name is Leona, I’m 46 years old.  I’ve had 5 children, been widowed twice, and was a drug addict for 30 years.
 
Wow, huh?  There are some blank spots I don’t remember very well, so I’ll stick to the highlights… 
 
I was molested due to an inappropriate age difference.   My parents loved me very much, but they worked hard, long hours to support us. I never wanted for anything as a child, and life was good. I did all the things I was taught not to do and as a result, by the time I was 17,  I was a hope-to-die junkie.  Addiction became my lifestyle.

I married, had children, only to lose them to the system because of my addiction.  Needless to say, when I hit my 30’s, I’d been used, abused and thrown away.  I was mean, angry and truly the one your mother warned you about.  I was lost in pain and didn’t know how to change.  
 
I tried different recovery programs in jails and prison, but nothing worked.  I became sick and spiritually broken.  I had no hope, my dreams were destroyed.  My god was dope!  I was a warrior among men until the man I loved beat me so bad, it took four months for all the bruises to go away.  
 
I was afraid, alone—I was that homeless woman walking down the side of the road with nowhere to go.  I hit my knees and prayed for the first time in more years than I can remember. 

“Help me, God!  I don’t want to live like this anymore!” 
 
Within 10 days, I was in Captive Hearts!  Judy and Brandi looked at me as an investment for God.  I look at them as a  lifeline to God.    With the help of Captive Hearts, I now  have a relationship with God, and my life is turning around.  
 
There are no big deals today.  Only God’s  love for me and my trust in His love for me.  Thank you, Captive Hearts. 
 
A special thanks to the women in the house and the wonderful women that  volunteer their time to help me grow in my faith and sobriety.

I’ll never forget the day that I walked into the court-house and saw my brother and his wife sitting there waiting for me. A sense of relief filled my whole body and also my mind. I was done. I was finished. I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Anthony and Jennifer gave me an option that day, to go back to where I came from or go with them and leave the life I had been living. I didn’t question it, I went.

Two days later, I was sitting in Judy’s office at Captive Hearts with her and Joan. I don’t remember the interview or what questions they asked me, but I must have said all the right things because within minutes, I accepted their invitation to Captive Heart’s recovery home.

Continue reading Kelly

Hi, my name is Cassandra Hope. My father and mother were very involved in the Catholic Church, so all my brothers and sisters were raised in the Catholic faith.  I do not have many memories of my childhood, but I do remember the feelings I felt as a child.  I felt very lonely and unworthy.  I felt scared and frightened all the time.  I hated myself and I was an insecure little girl.  I felt that nobody loved me.  I was so bound in fear that I didn’t have many friends, and I really turned to my mother for protection.

When I got into high school, I began drinking all the time.  It made me feel better about myself.  It medicated all my feelings that I had as a child, which I still had in my teen years. Once I graduated from high school, I got married to someone I only knew for three months.  That marriage ended only a year later.  I had my oldest son, Bradley. Continue reading Hope

Hi, my name is Catherine. Actually, the whole story is Catherine Bell, Ivett, Judson, Lemoine.  I have always had one talent I was aware of, the one that allows me to be a chameleon. Not to say that I have always blended into the background, but to say I am adaptable.  All my life I have known that God existed, that He was “there,” that He was with me and that I was not alone. I never sought to know more–that was enough.

I was baptized a Lutheran and raised in the Methodist Church.  I was first married in Las Vegas, second in a chapel and third in the Penthouse suite of Caesar’s Tahoe.  My two daughters were baptized Lutheran and sent to a Lutheran elementary school.  I never felt I needed to go to church.  God was always with me.  Life was good, I was good.  I was 37 at the time and was happy and “all was well.”

Continue reading Catherine

Hi, my name is Christine Carter-Collett and I used to introduce myself as an alcoholic, which I definitely am.  However, I believe God has given me a new role.  I am a Christian woman, one of his millions of beloved children.  To me that sounds so much more awesome, but then our God is an awesome God, isn’t He?  Miraculous!

I would like to tell you a little about who I am.  I come from a prominent family in a small community.  I was raised in a good home with loving parents and two siblings.  I “grew up” in church.  I was also molested from the age of 5 to 13 years old.  Around the end of the abuse, my parents divorced.  At this time I was a lost and lonely teen looking for escape from the pain and anguish I had quietly hidden away for so many years.  My best friend became the bottle and I was a daily drinker from the age of 15. Continue reading Christine