For the first time, I am not alone!
I know I’m in God’s hands and He has control of my life.

Hello my name is Victoria.

I was born in Rosemead, CA and grew up in a Christian home.  I had an abusive father who started torturing me at the age of 3, then molested and raped me.  My mother divorced him and remarried, but the abuse continued through home visitations.  I had an older sister and brother who were surviving the best they knew how.   As a child, I was abandoned and all alone.  No one came to my rescue.

My mother was hit by a drunk driver and was in and out of the hospital for the next 10 years.   My stepfather had to work three to four jobs to make ends meet.   I was a young child making my own breakfast and lunch, getting to school on my own.    My Dad would give me money to go to the store to buy the household groceries.   I did adult things as a child.

At this young age, I knew there was no one to help me.  I was on my own.  When I was 11, I had my first boyfriend.  I thought to myself, he is so cute and I am so ugly.  He died in the LA River trying to save his brother’s life.  Somehow I felt responsible.  I blamed myself that if he wasn’t my boyfriend, this tragedy would have never happened.

In the same year, I was raped by my best friend’s older brother.  After he raped me, he threatened to kill me if I told. Then he put me in a sleeping bag upside down with my head at the foot end.  I couldn’t breath nor reach the zipper.  I started screaming and thrashing about.  It took my best friend’s parents 15 minutes to get me out because I was kicking and screaming.  I was so frightened that I couldn’t say anything.  And if I did tell, I just knew no one would come to my defense.  I began to believe I was worth-less and all these horrible things had happened to me because I deserved them.  I expected bad things to continue.  It was just part of my life.

I tried to fit in at school by being the crazy and funny one to hide the hurt.  Acceptance from my peers was what I was so desperately seeking.  I wanted to feel a part and to be loved and not alone.  I could be in a crowded room and feel so alone and abandoned.  So I started drinking in high school to numb the pain.

When I was 19, I got married. From the moment I said “I do” it was hell on earth. I was married for 16 years and endured every kind of abuse.  He was diagnosed with manic depressive, schizophrenia before we were married and it was uncovered during our divorce.  My two beautiful children are now.  During the marriage I never told anyone of the horrible abuse.  There was that same feeling that no one would ever come to my rescue or even care, it would be my failure, my fault, and I must have done something wrong.

After my divorce, I just exploded with all my emotions.  I was on self-destruct.  I started back drinking very heavily, partying all the time.  Still trying to maintain a household, I started a business.  It was like the Lord wanted to bless me, but I couldn’t accept success.  I was not worthy of it.  So I continued on my road of destruction through drinking.

My stepfather passed away in November 1999.  I uprooted myself in Southern California to move to Monterey County and run the family-owned business.  It was my choice.  I thought I had to do it and maybe this would give me self worth.  But I was a failure and it would be the destruction of the family business.  For 2½ years I tried so hard, but because I had no self worth, the business took a downward spiral.  I couldn’t tell my family because, again, I was a failure to myself and to my family.  I was worth nothing in myself.

During this time I had a boyfriend.  I attracted the troubled ones on their own road to destruction.  I felt I didn’t deserve anything better.  He really opened wide my road of destruction by introducing me into the drug world.  It was very ugly.  I stayed with him, thinking he would change and that he loved me.

A horrible head-on collision car accident, that should have killed me, sent me further into depression.  My physical pain was horrific.  Five months later, I had 70% of my left lung removed and was hospitalized for 30 days.  I was in the ICU for 10 and almost died three times.  I lost my home and business in Southern California while I was in the hospital.  I also lost the lease to my home in Monterrey and my so-called boyfriend.  My sister and brother-in-law came up to try to salvage what was left of the family business.  I felt I had failed in every portion of my life.  I was in extreme physical and emotional pain.  Going from couch to couch, motel to motel, using up all my finances.  Homeless for over a year and never crying out for help.  Being alone and abandonment was all I could feel.

Earlier that year, I was introduced to this wonderful lady, Chaplain Judy Boen, and was told of Captive Hearts, not knowing that this ministry would be the reason why I am alive today.

The devil wanted me dead.  He kept all my failures and worthlessness in my face. I wanted to die.  I wanted all the pain to go away and felt my family would be better off without me.  So I went to a hotel, took an overdose of cocaine and stabbed myself three times in the stomach with a steel BBQ skewer.  But God kept me alive because my sister had put my picture up on Captive Hearts’ prayer wall.  And through all those prayers I lived.

But I was still in depression and tried a second time with an overdose of sleeping pills.  The cleaning lady thought there was something wrong and came into my room three hours too early.  Again, I was saved because of the thousands of prayers through Captive Hearts.

Judy called me and supported me in any way she could.  I was jailed because, during my first suicide attempt, there was an accidental fire causing the destruction of the hotel room and in which I endured some burns.  When I was released, my sister and Chaplain Judy took me to a hospital that could treat my severe depressive disorder.  They continued to pray for me.

They also took me to Court.  Through all the love, support, and prayers, I had such a peace.  A peace I have never felt in my entire life.  For the first time, I was not alone! I knew I was in God’s hands and He was in control of my life. I stood before the judge with this confidence and peace, and God performed miracles that day.

I am now sober and on the road to recovery, learning that I am worth something in the Lord.  I remind myself that if it weren’t for the love and prayers from my sister and Chaplain Judy and the ministry of Captive Hearts I would not be alive today.

“Why don’t You love me?
  Why don’t You care about me?   Please help me!”

My life started in the War Memorial Hospital on March 28, 1958.  I was raised in a dysfunctional family, surrounding great physical and mental abuse not to mention emotional abuse as well. I had so much love to give but no love was given, only abuse. I felt ugliness, darkness, loneliness and sadness.  I had to grow up fast, learn a lot quickly and do it right the first time or else!

At eight years of age, I started drinking cocktails.  First, sips off my parents’ drinks and then making my own for myself so I could kill all the pain that I felt inside. I had this big hole in my heart. I felt so empty —no hope that things would change.  I thought that God hated me and I was being punished for just not doing well at anything, and Mom and Dad hated me being around.  I wanted out.

At age 11, I tried to commit suicide due to all of the abuse I had been going through.  I could not deal with it any longer.  I felt that God had turned His back on me and did not care about my life or well being. I asked Him “Why don’t You love me?  Why don’t You care about me?  Please help me!” I would pray to God for help but bad things still happened to me that I had no control over—molestation for many years, raped twice, abortion at age 14 due to rape—a life full of devastation, darkness and depression.

At age 16, I took the GED and passed with flying colors, took a full-time job in San Ardo pumping gas, driving a tow truck and working—mechanics, bouncing tires. Tough work, but made good money and I moved out on my own. I had my own car now, my own place to live at 16. I felt so proud of myself for all that I had accomplished on my own at that age. My life was much better at this point, but I was angry with God for all of the horrible things that I had been through. I did not understand how He could allow an innocent child to be harmed like this for so long.

I’m a strong woman—I’ve had to be. I take care of what needs to be done. I’m a responsible person and I love to help others in need. I’ve had great success in my life due to a lot of hard work. I have also had over six years of sobriety in the past, but I did not have God in my life. I was still angry with Him over my past. I relapsed.

I am married with four children. My husband and I will be sharing our 32^nd wedding anniversary soon. Our oldest is 31, then 24, 15 and 7. I am very blessed in so many ways. I took too much for granted over the years. My drinking for the last 13 years has caused nothing but wreckage and destruction. I’ve hurt the ones I loved the most by getting into trouble with the law due to my disease with alcohol. I have been to jail many times and prison as well, none of which did me any good, until one day I met Judy Boen.

Chaplain Judy made me see things in a new light. I began to start to pray again to have faith in God to save and forgive me for all my sins and guide me through. I was looking at four years in prison for a violation. I prayed over and over to God to give me a recovery program to receive help. I was accepted into another program but I only lasted 17 days due to illness. I was sent back to jail. For the first time, with my head held high, because I started to gain my faith back in God. I now know that God never left me at all. I was the one that turned my back on Him. I lost my faith, I gave up on Him. I let go. While in jail, I prayed for help and another program that would fit my needs. God answered my prayers. I was accepted into Captive Hearts and I am so blessed in every way. I have learned so much about myself and recovery, my God that I call Jesus Christ. I love Him so much and He loves me and always has, and always will. I’m so thankful for everything that Captive Hearts has to offer. I will take what I’ve learned and apply them in my life and future.

I have a wonderful sponsor and have completed all 12 Steps and have been in compliance with the program of Captive Hearts. I thank God every single day for life itself and all He has given so freely to me. I’m blessed to have such an open relationship and communication with Him.

Thank you, Captive Hearts, for giving me a second chance at life. I love you so for my life has changed for the better.

Sincerely, Michele

Captive Hearts is a non-profit 501(c)(3) corporation whose mission is to provide emotional support to hurting people in desperate need of inner healing from the devastating effects of abuse, addiction, and rejection.

Our team of volunteers visits women inmates at the San Luis Obispo County Jail on Tuesday and Thursday each week. We seek to encourage and assist local people as well as their families in an effort to bring love and hope to them. Our guidance and community service programs are meeting the physical, emotional, spiritual and court-ordered needs of these individuals.

The Captive Hearts’ After Care Program is designed for those released from or sentenced to jail through the Court system and are willing to attend classes and make the necessary changes to live healthy and productive lives. The program works closely with the San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara Counties Court systems, probation departments, local judges, as well as other programs such as Drug and Alcohol Services.

Captive Hearts has many outreach agendas within this immediate community for the less fortunate.

CH Home Rules & Regulations

CH Womens Home Application

Many facilities do not have a great success rate.  We’ve seen the rise and fall of many recovery programs and have strived to address all the bases that lead to success.   As human beings, we are made up of three parts, spirit, soul and body.   If we do not have a balance in dealing with all areas, we become weak.   First of all, our spirit is the direct connection with God that needs to be strengthened on a daily basis.  Our soul consists of our damaged and fragile mind, emotions, thoughts / behavior patterns and our will.   This area needs restoration as well.  Our body must be nurtured and revived, especially when they have been deprived of nutriments and exercise.   Captive Hearts feels that with the balance given to each of these parts one can be made whole.

We have established a three-phase program that has been shown adequate in the development of a well-rounded person.   The program is from six months to one year depending upon a person’s progress, and is not dependent if one is Court ordered or not.

Phase I – 1st and 2nd months

• Two meetings a day, noon and evening with NA or AA. We hold a session in our home that is open to women in the community only.
• Power to Choose, Steps 1-2-3
• One-on-one counseling weekly
• Learning Improvement Course for 1 hour a day
• Community service hours
• Horse therapy – one day a month from 10 am – 4 pm
• Doctor appointments

Phase II – 3rd and 4th months

• Power to Choose, Steps 4-5-6
• Boundaries Series – weekly for two months
• Two meetings a day with NA or AA
• Doing homework on the computer
• Going home for a weekend pass
• One-on-one counseling weekly
• Group settings

Phase III – 5th and 6th months

• Power to Choose, Steps 7-8
• Breaking Free or other class
• Relapse Prevention
• 12-Steps to Co-Dependency
• Job training and starting to work
• One-on-one counseling

One of the greatest joys is seeing the transformation that takes place in the lives of our ladies as they come into our recovery home beaten down and feeling hopeless, having lost everything, sometimes even their children. Most have reached the bottom and don’t see a way out. It takes determination and a lot of hard work as they surrender to work a program of discipline and changing their behavior. Long gone are the days of sleeping life away only to be found dead in a ditch from an overdose or passed out from alcohol poisoning. Without the commitment of our housemother, Cyd, and Brandi, the Director of Programs over the home, we would not see such positive results. Here is a daily schedule of what Captive Hearts offers in seeing lives restored:

  6:30   Rise and shine for breakfast, chores and preparing for the day
  8:00   Prayer and devotions
  8:30   Classes
11:00   Lunch
12:00  Outside meeting
  1:00   Classes
  3:00   Down time
4-5:00 Dinner preparation and clean up
  8:00   Speaker meeting
  9:00   Night devotions

We also have outings at the Melodrama (a local vaudeville theatre), picnics and fellowship, beach outings and time with family. One of our greatest desires is to see families restored.

Captive Hearts has provided the following services:

• Weekly Individual Counseling with Licensed Mental Health Professionals
• Practical loving supportive relationships to hurting women
• Weekly visits to the county jail to ensure communication and trust building among inmates
• 12-Step program for drug and alcohol abuse
• Drug testing to ensure accountability
• Post release programs to increase success with job and life skills
• Educational training to facilitate the attainment of a GED
• A food pantry to help nutritional needs
• A safe place to go to

Who we serve

Women who have been incarcerated are often addicted to substances (alcohol/drugs), are often economically disadvantaged, unemployed and single mothers of young children.   With this background of broken families, significant drug and alcohol abuse issues, and multiple physical and mental health problems, the root cause of these problems is a trauma associated with abuse, either sexual assault as an adult or child, domestic violence, and/or psychological abuse.

Research and our experiences here at Captive Hearts confirms that many women prisoners have suffered through repeated  incidents of abuse.  Captive Hearts has seen success in circumventing that cycle of chaotic living.

Please click below to download an application and see which opportunities may make you a good fit in helping us fulfill our mission in “Bringing Healing to Hurting Humanity”.    Then mail or fax it to us to start your journey!

CH Volunteer Application

I married, had children, only to lose them to the system because of my addiction.  Needless to say, when I hit my 30’s, I’d been used, abused and thrown away.  I was mean, angry and truly the one your mother warned you about.  I was lost in pain and didn’t know how to change.  
 
I tried different recovery programs in jails and prison, but nothing worked.  I became sick and spiritually broken.  I had no hope, my dreams were destroyed.  My god was dope!  I was a warrior among men until the man I loved beat me so bad, it took four months for all the bruises to go away.  
 
I was afraid, alone—I was that homeless woman walking down the side of the road with nowhere to go.  I hit my knees and prayed for the first time in more years than I can remember. 

“Help me, God!  I don’t want to live like this anymore!” 
 
Within 10 days, I was in Captive Hearts!  Judy and Brandi looked at me as an investment for God.  I look at them as a  lifeline to God.    With the help of Captive Hearts, I now  have a relationship with God, and my life is turning around.  
 
There are no big deals today.  Only God’s  love for me and my trust in His love for me.  Thank you, Captive Hearts. 
 
A special thanks to the women in the house and the wonderful women that  volunteer their time to help me grow in my faith and sobriety.