At age 11, our pastor stopped in the middle of his sermon and told me that God had a special calling on my life and that I would lead many lost souls to Christ by my influence. That kind of responsibility scared me, and that was last time I showed up at church, but the message stuck out in my mind over the years. My drug use began at the age of 14 with pot and alcohol, “innocent fun,” so I thought. My stepdad was a “Tweaker” my whole adolescent life, making him abusive, and making me despise him. At 17, when my best friend confessed to using meth, I didn’t want to lose her friendship so I started using it with her. I began using often and started selling.

I got pregnant with my first child at 18 and stopped using long enough to carry him to full term. When he was two months old, I turned to meth again to enhance my self-esteem, lose weight and have a social life. I met a man with similar childhood issues who wanted what I wanted out life―love. We had no role models in our lives and had many wrong ideas on what a loving relationship was supposed to look like. I was forever on meth, living life in the fast lane and he was 24/7 drinking his problems away; we were toxic and abusive to each other.

I got pregnant with my daughter five years after my son was born, following my first drug bust. I was convicted of being under the influence of methamphetamine and walked with the drug diversion program. That started in my third month of pregnancy and ended before my daughter was born. Needless to say, I stayed clean long enough for her birth and picked right up where I left off when she was 2 months old.

She was 2 years old when I left her dad, and picked up my next big criminal offense. My car rolled from an upward slant where I had just parked, down to a campsite where my new boyfriend’s sister-in-law and her two children sat under a canopy. I tried to jump into the rolling vehicle, but could not stop it in time. By the time the car stopped, the woman and two babies were underneath it. Not knowing if they were dead or alive, I was in shock. They were taken to the hospital while I sat in a fetal position; I had checked out mentally. When the police arrived, I was hysterical. I had used meth two nights before the accident, and when I would not calm down for the police long enough to walk a straight line, they took me to the hospital for a blood test. Still having meth in my bloodstream, I was convicted of a felony DUI.

When I was released from jail, I broke up with the guy I was dating, and was informed 3 days later he had committed suicide. I blamed myself for not being there for him and was devastated because I knew I could not attend his services due to the accident and the wreckage I had caused his family.

After completing a residential drug program in Santa Barbara, I came back to the Five Cities. I reunited with my children’s father and we fell back into the same lifestyle―he was drinking and I began using again. One day I was at my immediate neighbor’s house, who happened to be an old friend of my dad’s, and she was telling me how much she cared about me. While she was talking to me, she began convulsing and choking. I tried to help her but I didn’t know what to do and nobody would come to help. I screamed for my neighbors and called 911 but it was too late; she had a heart attack and died and I couldn’t do anything about it. I went crazy that day. I was angry and confused and wanted to hurt others the way I was hurting. I checked myself into a mental hospital, and quit my jobs.

I couldn’t get past her death no matter how hard I tried, or how high I got. Unable to get through any 24-hour period without breaking into tears, my 4- and 8-year-olds begged me to stop crying, and that’s when I realized I could no longer live this way. I called a family friend to take my children and keep them safe until I could figure out how to get life back on track for them. I prayed, and surrendered to my desperation. I called Probation and CWS and told them I had been using. For the first time in my life, I was willing to do whatever it took. I desperately needed and wanted any help I could get.

I went to jail, gratefully, and that is when I met Chaplain Judy and her prayer team. I was released to a residential women and children’s facility. I did really well, but two weeks before I graduated, I lied to the program and snuck off with my children’s father to go see my Nina before she passed away. When the staff found out, they terminated me and my children were taken and placed into foster care for the first time. For a long time I blamed many people other than myself for my children being taken, but over the years I have come to see that it was my lack of willingness to work an honest program that got them taken. It was a blessing; it showed me motherhood is not a right―it is a privilege.

Today, I have my children back in my life. I have been clean and sober for seven years. I am married to my children’s father, the love of my life, (Chaplain Judy married us) and he is clean and sober. My entire family has received therapy and we all have a healthy and loving relationship. I have a great relationship with my mom and my dad.

I am the Program Director of Captive Hearts Recovery Services and I am blessed to work for Chaplain Judy and Janis, who are amazing influences in my life. Now I have the opportunity to go back into the jail and help other women who are struggling the way that I was so many years ago. I even teach an anger management class… who knew? GOD DID! I could not have done any of this without His divine intervention. Thank you, Lord! All through my 12 years of using, I knew God had not left me. In times of need, I would turn to Him and, in desperation, I would cry out to Him. He still loved me and carried me through it all until the day I was able to turn fully around and give my will and life over to the care of Him as I do today.

Recently I was given the opportunity to make amends, that I had struggled with for six years, to the mother of the children who were involved in the accident at the lake. She was courageous enough to come into the office and offer me forgiveness, which was one of the biggest gifts I have ever received. THANK YOU FOR THIS! Words can never express my gratitude to you; I pray for you and your family and appreciate your courage.

March of 2009 is when I became homeless. I tried to get right for a minute, by putting myself in a battered women’s shelter and then to a 7-month residential program. I even got a job to follow, only to once again throw it all away to another relapse. My life was like a chapter in a story that never ended. My solution to everything was to use. Anything to mask my pain and cause you pain.

Over a period of time, things got bad—real bad. I went from motel rooms, couch hopping, sneaking in the back of people’s cars (that would be anyone who left their doors unlocked) to a dirty, pissy-smelling mattress laying behind some trees in a field, to someone’s man-made shack with rats that ran all around you in the night, living out of my bags, no bed, no showers, no food, no water—an empty nest. And this is what I’m left with.

I despised the person I’d become. Alone with my suicidal thoughts, the battle in my mind between life or death, good and evil, I received the gift of desperation. Thank you, Jesus! I cried out to God and begged for mercy with tears of brokenness, fear and rejection, abandonment, loneliness and shame. He waited until I was done crying. In the calm, right before sleep is when He spoke to me in a still, small tender-hearted voice and said, “Are you ready to come home now, My child?” I remember answering, “Yes I am,” with complete surrender. That was the first time I heard God’s voice and felt His presence in over two years. I was finally able to put my mind to sleep.

I continued to listen to that small, very faint voice and, as shameful and embarrassing as it was, I arrived to the doors of Oak Park Christian Church, my church family where I first received Christ as my personal Savior in 2004, was baptized and became a member when I was pregnant with my son. Pastor Mike and my brothers and sisters welcomed me again with open arms and without judgment.  Sharon Dutra, who is now my mentor, took me under her wing, made a few phone calls, came back and told me I had an interview with Captive Hearts that next day. Thank you, Jesus!

Still broken, still lost, so hungry and thirsty, both spiritually and physically, Captive Hearts took me in and was able to love me and feed me God’s truth until I was able to love myself again. They have given me a message of hope and recovery. I believe I was led here by the Lord. Thank you, Jesus! It’s a place where I have received restoration for my soul, healing, understanding and spiritual growth.

Since being at Captive Hearts, the Lord has given me a peace of mind and a place of rest, allowing me to exercise my faith and, in doing so, He has been forever faithful in providing financial support through Oak Park Church. Thank you, Oak Park family and thank you, Lord. It is my faith alone in God that gives me hope, and His truth that sets me free. Joel 2:25 (The Message): “I’ll make up for the years of the locust, the great locust devastation—locusts savage, locusts deadly, fierce locusts, locusts of doom, that great locust invasion I sent your way. You’ll eat your fill of good food, you’ll be full of praises to your God, the God who has set you back on your heels in wonder.”

 (Captive Hearts is looking for sponsors who will continue to contribute so Sonia can further her treatment in our transitional home for six months.)

“Why don’t You love me?
  Why don’t You care about me?   Please help me!”

My life started in the War Memorial Hospital on March 28, 1958.  I was raised in a dysfunctional family, surrounding great physical and mental abuse not to mention emotional abuse as well. I had so much love to give but no love was given, only abuse. I felt ugliness, darkness, loneliness and sadness.  I had to grow up fast, learn a lot quickly and do it right the first time or else!

At eight years of age, I started drinking cocktails.  First, sips off my parents’ drinks and then making my own for myself so I could kill all the pain that I felt inside. I had this big hole in my heart. I felt so empty —no hope that things would change.  I thought that God hated me and I was being punished for just not doing well at anything, and Mom and Dad hated me being around.  I wanted out.

At age 11, I tried to commit suicide due to all of the abuse I had been going through.  I could not deal with it any longer.  I felt that God had turned His back on me and did not care about my life or well being. I asked Him “Why don’t You love me?  Why don’t You care about me?  Please help me!” I would pray to God for help but bad things still happened to me that I had no control over—molestation for many years, raped twice, abortion at age 14 due to rape—a life full of devastation, darkness and depression.

At age 16, I took the GED and passed with flying colors, took a full-time job in San Ardo pumping gas, driving a tow truck and working—mechanics, bouncing tires. Tough work, but made good money and I moved out on my own. I had my own car now, my own place to live at 16. I felt so proud of myself for all that I had accomplished on my own at that age. My life was much better at this point, but I was angry with God for all of the horrible things that I had been through. I did not understand how He could allow an innocent child to be harmed like this for so long.

I’m a strong woman—I’ve had to be. I take care of what needs to be done. I’m a responsible person and I love to help others in need. I’ve had great success in my life due to a lot of hard work. I have also had over six years of sobriety in the past, but I did not have God in my life. I was still angry with Him over my past. I relapsed.

I am married with four children. My husband and I will be sharing our 32^nd wedding anniversary soon. Our oldest is 31, then 24, 15 and 7. I am very blessed in so many ways. I took too much for granted over the years. My drinking for the last 13 years has caused nothing but wreckage and destruction. I’ve hurt the ones I loved the most by getting into trouble with the law due to my disease with alcohol. I have been to jail many times and prison as well, none of which did me any good, until one day I met Judy Boen.

Chaplain Judy made me see things in a new light. I began to start to pray again to have faith in God to save and forgive me for all my sins and guide me through. I was looking at four years in prison for a violation. I prayed over and over to God to give me a recovery program to receive help. I was accepted into another program but I only lasted 17 days due to illness. I was sent back to jail. For the first time, with my head held high, because I started to gain my faith back in God. I now know that God never left me at all. I was the one that turned my back on Him. I lost my faith, I gave up on Him. I let go. While in jail, I prayed for help and another program that would fit my needs. God answered my prayers. I was accepted into Captive Hearts and I am so blessed in every way. I have learned so much about myself and recovery, my God that I call Jesus Christ. I love Him so much and He loves me and always has, and always will. I’m so thankful for everything that Captive Hearts has to offer. I will take what I’ve learned and apply them in my life and future.

I have a wonderful sponsor and have completed all 12 Steps and have been in compliance with the program of Captive Hearts. I thank God every single day for life itself and all He has given so freely to me. I’m blessed to have such an open relationship and communication with Him.

Thank you, Captive Hearts, for giving me a second chance at life. I love you so for my life has changed for the better.

Sincerely, Michele

Face of Grace Conferences are held at various times during the year in venues across California and the United States. 

Please contact the office for future seminar dates and locations in an area near you!
805-481-4500

Captive Hearts was organized in March 2000 in the home of Chaplain Judy Boen, its founder and executive director.  It was birthed out of a vision for the hurting, those who had given up hope and had nowhere to turn for help.  We are located in Grover Beach, San Luis Obispo County, California, midway between San Francisco and Los Angeles.

In 2001, we incorporated as a 501(c)(3) organization and began teaching classes in a local recovery home for women on the Central Coast of California.  In early 2003, we opened an office where women who had been released from jail and/or prison were given follow-up care, guidance and loving support.   Our staff and volunteers reach out with unconditional love to touch the unlovable not only to those who are incarcerated, but to those whose lives are broken in our community. 

JAIL & PRISON OUTREACH

Our team of volunteers visits women inmates at the San Luis Obispo County Jail on Tuesday and Thursday each week.  We have two teams of women who go into the jails twice a week to encourage and assist local people as well as their families in an effort to bring love and hope to them.  With approval from the jail authorities, we also supply Bibles and reading materials to those asking for them.  Once they are released, our guidance and community service programs are meeting the physical, emotional, spiritual and court-ordered needs of these individuals.

AFTER CARE PROGRAM

Our After Care Program is designed for those released from or sentenced to jail through the Court system and are willing to attend classes and make the necessary changes to live healthy and productive lives.  The program works closely with the San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara Counties Court systems, probation departments, local judges, as well as other programs such as Drug and Alcohol Services, Dept. of Social Services, A.A., and N.A.  We often serve as liaison for the women through these groups.  Many are often referred by government agencies and other groups for various types of assistance, in addition to those who come on their own.

Captive Hearts has many outreach agendas within this immediate community for the less fortunate including a food panty, clothing and blanket distribution, and educational center.

CH Home Rules & Regulations

CH Womens Home Application